Questions
by Dani-Ellie03
Summary: Post-"Cold" one-shot. Don't ask questions you don't really want answered. Rated for mild language and angst.


**Title:** Questions  
**Summary:** Don't ask questions you don't really want answered.  
**Spoilers:** Post-"Cold".  
**Disclaimer:** Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler, and Casey Novak belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. The fact that I am quite angry with him right now sadly does not change that.  
**Author's Note:** So, yeah. I'm still an extremely angry fangirl (you don't want to get me started ... I've ranted on LJ twice and I probably could rant some more if given the opportunity) and I needed a way to deal with it. Enter this story. It actually proved quite difficult because I don't buy the premise at all (because CASEY WOULD NEVER DO THAT!), but in order to give myself some immediate closure, I sadly have to work with what I was given. Eventually I'll do a "this is how it SHOULD have happened" fic, but for right now, here you go. Please don't hate me if it sucks. ;P

* * *

"_How could this night get any worse?"_

Over and over. The words--Olivia Benson's words--had been running through Casey Novak's head over and over, like a broken record. _Wait, _Casey thought_. Outdated phrase._ Over and over, like a CD with a skip. _There_, she thought with a small but emphatic nod. That was better.

She'd certainly had one hell of a night. Once the flashing lights from the cruiser carrying off Detective Chester Lake vanished into the darkness, Olivia had declared that she needed a drink. A heavy dose of liquid therapy was something Casey sorely needed herself, and Elliot Stabler decided to come along for the ride. Munch and Fin took off on their own, and Casey did not mistake the hostility between the two of them and Elliot and Olivia. She knew that she should ask them what was going on and she would. Eventually.

"_How could this night get any worse?"_

_Oh, Olivia, you should know better than to ask questions like that_, she silently grumbled. As if the detectives didn't have enough to deal with right now. One of their own was just arrested for murder, for Christ's sake. How in the hell could she tell them that not only were they losing a detective, but they were also going to be getting a new ADA?

Not tonight. She couldn't tell them tonight. She'd wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow had to be a better day. No matter what tomorrow brought, there was no way it could be worse than today.

"You've been awfully quiet tonight, Casey," Elliot said. His voice was hushed and weary, almost as if the simple act of speaking required more energy than he had.

Casey just nodded and downed the rest of her third drink. Or was it her fourth? She didn't remember. Didn't care. The alcohol burned all the way down to her stomach, and she squeezed her eyes shut against the unfamiliar and not at all pleasant sensation.

"I've never seen you drink like that," Olivia added. "What's the matter?"

"_How could this night get any worse?"_

"It's nothing," Casey whispered with a shake of her head. Even she was surprised at the despair in her voice. Though, how else was she supposed to sound when her entire life was falling apart?

Elliot and Olivia met each other's eyes for the tiniest of moments. "It's not nothing, Casey," Olivia said gently. "Something is bothering you, something more than just …" She paused, unable to even put into words the events of the past few days. "… this."

The only thing Casey could do was shake her head. _Not_ tonight. Not after everything else that had happened. She couldn't spring this on them now. Tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. As soon as she'd had a chance to process it herself.

Olivia glanced at Elliot again and he just gave her an almost imperceptible shrug. Ordinarily the two of them would have forced the issue, but luckily for Casey they were both too tired to argue.

With all three of them becoming lost in their own thoughts, a tense silence settled over the table. Casey's thoughts were racing, zipping in and out and over and under, making no sense whatsoever. It was all just a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare. The past few hours were nothing but a horrible dream, right? Any moment now she would figure out how to wake herself up and it would all be blissfully over.

Then her rational side took over and she didn't need to pinch herself to realize that sadly, this was her reality. Everything she'd worked for--everything she'd wanted since she was ten years old--it was all over. Done, finito, kaput. Her entire life was ruined with one stupid mistake and no, she was not being overdramatic.

Before she even realized what she was doing, her fourth-maybe-fifth drink was gone and a fifth-possibly-sixth was on its way. The fog forming in her head reminded her that Olivia was right and that she didn't normally drink like this. But whatever. She was definitely allowed tonight, after a woman that up until two hours ago Casey had considered a friend betrayed her.

_No, _Casey thought_. _This wasn't Donnelly's fault. Casey had no one to blame but herself. Her actions were what had caused Donnelly to betray her in the first place. Oh God, she had _royally_ screwed up.

When her gin and tonic finally arrived, she was thankful. Never before had she needed something so desperately. The fog was beginning to get heavier and she very much liked the clouded, fleeting thoughts that were starting to run through her head now. At least she wouldn't be obsessing over her day for too much longer.

"Oh, how could this get any worse?"

It took a moment for it to register with Casey that the question had actually been spoken aloud. Either Elliot or Olivia; she wasn't quite sure which one. "You don't want to know," she mumbled, a touch louder than she had meant to. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked.

Again Casey could only shake her head. _You don't want me to tell you. Not right now. _

As Casey wrapped her hand around her new glass, Olivia placed her own hand on top of it, preventing her friend from lifting it and bringing it to her lips. "Stop," the detective instructed.

Annoyed, Casey looked up, her green eyes barely focusing on the detective's brown ones. Why the hell wasn't Olivia just going to let her get wasted in peace? "Why?"

"Something is very obviously wrong with you, and this," Olivia said as she slid the glass out of Casey's reach, "may dull the pain, but it's not going to fix it."

"Well, talking about it isn't going to fix it, either," Casey muttered, narrowing her eyes at Olivia. "Nothing is going to fix it. It's unfixable."

"I'm sure that's not true," Elliot spoke up as he placed one of his hands over one of Casey's.

Casey scoffed through her nose and blinked hard against the tears that had unexpectedly welled in her eyes. She again shook her head and bit her lower lip, dropping her gaze to the table and refusing to look up. "It's all over."

"What's over, Casey?" Olivia asked, her tone comforting.

"Everything," Casey whispered. She usually hated when the detectives coddled her like this, but … well perhaps she was searching for a little comfort. "I'm being called before the bar."

The two detectives gasped in unison. Were the topic of conversation anything but what it was, Casey would have taken the opportunity to make fun of them for doing so. "What?" Elliot asked after a moment of shocked silence. "Why?"

Casey's stomach lurched. "Long story."

"You think you're getting out of this that easily?" Olivia asked. She was angry. At least, she sounded angry to Casey's ears, but what the hell right did she have to be angry? "What the hell is going on?"

It took Casey a moment to compose herself enough to be able to explain without fear of giving into her emotions. "I withheld evidence. Never turned the lab reports with the degraded DNA match over to the defense."

Another stunned silence. Olivia found her voice first. "Casey, what the hell were--"

"What the hell was I thinking?" Casey spat out. No. Olivia did _not_ get to be angry with her. She hadn't told the detectives this so that they could yell at her. "I don't _know_ what the hell I was thinking! I keep asking myself the same damn question. But it _is_ done and I can't take it back."

"So Petrovsky is just--" Elliot began.

"No," Casey interrupted. "Not Petrovsky. Donnelly."

"What?!"

More Doublemint Twins behavior from the detectives. If Casey didn't feel like she was going to throw up, she might have found their speaking in unison and the identical looks of shock on their faces kind of funny. "Yeah," was all she could manage to murmur out loud.

The two detectives just looked at each other, their eyes boggling. Within a few seconds, though, the surprise passed and it was obvious from the expressions on their faces now that they were beginning to truly comprehend the implications of Casey's actions. The nausea began churning in Casey's stomach again and she had to shut her eyes in order to calm herself.

Olivia's soft voice startled her slightly. "How bad is this?" the detective asked, her initial anger seemingly behind her.

"Pretty bad," Casey answered, sniffling involuntarily. No, she was not going to cry. Not now, not here in this bar, not in front of her detectives. Though they wouldn't be her detectives for much longer. That realization sent her stomach roiling again. "Donnelly says I'll probably get a year's suspension … but after that? No one's going to hire me with that on my record. This is it for me, Olivia."

Casey's own voice sounded foreign to her by now. The helplessness, the despair, the vulnerability, that all belonged to someone else. They surely could not belong to Casey Novak.

Neither one of the detectives quite knew what to say to her. But she supposed that was fine because there was nothing to say. No magic words were going to rewind time and no amount of reassurance was going to put Casey's life back together. As if finally realizing that, Olivia slid the glass back to Casey and allowed her to swallow it down with one swift gulp.

"When?" Elliot spoke up after a stretch of silence. "When is this all going down?"

As she looked up and saw Elliot's glistening eyes, Casey could no longer resist her own tears. She felt them, hot and salty, fall from her eyes and trickle down her cheeks as she shrugged in response to Elliot's question. She didn't know exactly when but whenever it was, it would be far too soon.

She didn't want Elliot and Olivia to see her crying. After closing her eyes proved useless in calming her down, she quickly excused herself from the table and hurried to the ladies' room.

Once alone inside the restroom, she pressed her hands over her face and allowed herself to cry quietly for a long moment. After indulging the emotion she inhaled deeply, held the breath for a few seconds, and let it out while counting to ten. She turned the cold water knob at one of the sinks and splashed some of the cool water on her face before resting her hands on the counter and inspecting her reflection in the large mirror. Her eyes were still red, but at least she looked somewhat calmer and more in control.

When the bathroom door creaked open, Casey groaned softly. She knew who was coming and her hunch proved to be correct when Olivia stepped around the corner. As soon as the detective made eye contact with Casey, she gave her a tender and sympathetic smile. For some reason, seeing that comforting smile sent fresh tears to Casey's eyes. "You okay?" Olivia asked.

Casey started to nod but soon realized that there was no longer any point in trying to remain outwardly strong. Both Olivia and Elliot had already seen her cry tonight; her pride was wounded anyhow. She shook her head but before her tears could fall again, Olivia pulled her into a tight embrace.

When the two finally pulled apart, Casey was surprised to see that the detective's eyes were beginning to brim with tears of her own. "Come on," Olivia said in a whisper as she wrapped her arm around Casey's shoulders and led her out of the restroom.

As the two women sat back down at the table with Elliot, Olivia's original question again began running over and over through Casey's head: _"How could this night get any worse?" _Some questions, Casey realized then, should never be asked.


End file.
